Moving Forward

Its been 42-day since you left Qatar.

I can't describe how much I miss you.

Images of  the weekends that we've spent together has been stuck on top of my head...

...................and the images keep playing.

Reading back the old Whatsapp messages since 2016 made me feel that my days are empty without you here.


Its nice to read again the messages when u still calling me 'Dear' instead of 'Jim'..It gave me the feeling where I belong to someone dearly.

Now, I have no one to argue and no one to turn to when I have problems in the office, or about the car, or places to eat.
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I hope you're doing great in Singapore.

My journey to move-on has been great so far.

New adventure begin and I started meeting people again.

There's hiccup sometime, some jerks that I met.

But, worth the try.

How I wish I can meet someone like you again.

Someone that respect me.

You always have a special place in my heart.

1645hrs
11 December 2018

The Evil That Closed The Door - ME..?

I don't expect anything material from you.

Just a small affection..or courtesy. 

Maybe, my request too heavy

'You are evil Jim' - A phrase that I don't expect from anyone, especially You. I'm like a little puppy when you are around. How evil can I be?

'I will never reached out to you again. You have closed the door' - Perhaps, I did 'Close' the door, but I've  never 'LOCK' it. 

I hope one day, when the time has come, we're both can face each other with smile on our face. 

I really want to embrace you in my arms again and caress your hair.

Good luck 

To 3-Letter Guy - AYF

A.Y.F

You make me want to rise, 
  You make me want to shine,
You make me wanna be a little better all the time
  You make me want to be as good as I can be,
You make me wanna be a better person - can't you see.

Every words i write,
  Is a cry into the void
of missing you

~ If only I can bring you back to me.

0035hrs
31 October 2018
-written right after I sent you to the airport. One day we'll meet again.

You've Prepared Me For The Winter Without You.

Its getting near,
I know you're leaving.
A day after my birthday.
Probably the worse gift ever.

Can I accept it?
Yes. I can.

Can I handle it?
Yes. I can.

Can I face it daily - knowing you're not in Qatar?
No, but I'll try,

I'm scared to even think about it,
That you're leaving.
..and I'll be lonely again,

.......and I know my tears could not stop you from leaving.
Trust me, that's not my goal.

Though you are 5 km away, but i always feel you're close to me.
Accessible. Reachable.

I missed our moment in Al-Khor. When I belong to You, and You belong to me.
Wake up early, prepared breakfast for you, and waiting for you to come back from work was so much fun.

You gave me the feeling and sense of belonging.

Now, that I lost you.
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Knowing that you're leaving, felt almost the same when I'm about to loose mama.
Its the silence moment when I know I cant be in your arms again.

Everything about living in this country, I learnt from you.
Almost all of my 'First Time' living abroad came from you.

You gave me the experience I thought I would never experienced.
You brought me to see the world, the food and the cultures.

You drove me around, so I could remember the roads.
You show me around, so I know where are the malls located.


You taught me Tango, even though I can't catch up.
You show me the fun of horse riding, though its hot.

.........You groomed me to be who I am now, to live in this part of the world.

You made me feel like home, and thus making me strong.
You basically a guide for me. A book filled with knowledge and experience when I needed help.

But, You knew all along, one day we going to be separated...

Basically, You've prepared me for this moment of losing you...


End Of Summer, Qatar
17 October 2018

An Advice From A Granny To A Boy

Whatever is on your mind, say it out loud...
   Don't keep it to your self...

You don't know if You have another chance to say it...
   People may not know when they will die or separate from their loved ones...

Remember my words...

   If you have something to say or do, get it done now...
Before its too late!!

The Moment I Know I Have Healed And Gonna Be Okay.

When I see you,

I feel angry, I feel betrayed, I feel stupid, 

But, I'm still 'visiting' you sometime..

and looking at your pictures and how happy you are..

Not for my curiosity, but a slap to wake me up..

To remind me how it hurts to remember the good time..

Will it bring back the pain? Of course....

It was exciting, and fun...

But, now its all rubbish and dumb..

I can still remember the words you uttered, that you will not be the one who gonna leave me despite the gap.

Your promise made me weak and 'shiver'...

But, it was all lies...

Perhaps I was just a vessel to keep you occupied.. and now I pay the price.

I should have known better, cuz I used to be one like you..

Hoping for you to be doomed is wrong, Yes, I know...

But, its genuine, not fake..

I will not forget the name...

I shall not mention the 'F' word anymore..

You were not a mistake, but a joke..

I laugh it off and let it go..

I have moved on, its not an easy road...

Now, I want nothing to do with you anymore...

Even If we cross path down the street..

I'll walk on by...

September Summer in Doha

1658hrs

16/09/18

Re-brand? Revamp? Refurbished?

Its the 13th Of September 2018..and yet, my face hasn't fully recovered

My heart is on stage 3 of healing; to move on..which is good. Way to go Jim!!

I'm in the running to 'Re-Brand' my self.

The final quarter of 2018 is all about self-healing, less spending and loving myself now.

There's so many things I've been planning now to push my self further.
I know some people see me like am dumb.
Someone I look-up to told me that I am just looking for a person to take care of myself, to have a good life.

I will prove that the statement is entirely wrong.

I am someone that can take care of myself.

I may not have high education, but I do have self respect and I still have my two feet and hands to work and support myself

So, September is a month to 'Revamp' myself to a better version.

I will not let myself to be looked down upon.

I will not let someone take advantage of me.

I will not let someone play with my emotion.

Work smart and get more sales for the company.

I'll regain back my self confidence slowly.

The Month Of So Many Lessons To Be Learned.

August 2018.

It is a month that has been tough to me.
I watched people leaving for goods, and people leaving me for his good.
I screwed up my face due to vanity.
The terrible feeling of missing someone when you know he is unreachable.
The feeling of work does not progress due to personal matters.
Insecurities..
Missing home...
etc..etc..

I know these are just some lessons for me to learn, for me to stand up on my two feet with my chin up.
I need time to heal, mentally and physically.
I just have to be strong and be surrounded with good friends that you know they will be truthful and transparent about you.

I know at this age, I should take this as something light.
But, I cannot control the depth of emotion that i gave into all these matters.

Well, of course I have good news too. Had my HIV test and the result was good. Nothing detected so I am HIV-.(Yeayyy..what a relief)

But, August going to pass soon. Its just a matter of time..

At the end of the day, I know August will teach me about patience, accepting, strong, and loneliness is not something you have to worry about.

For now, I will deal with all the problems wisely.

P/S: I sent Ian to airport this morning. He is leaving to Jakarta and will start his new job with Air Asia Malaysia as cabin crew. Me and Mac wish you all the best.Good Luck Ian.

The Evening When The Dinner Wasn't a Dinner

Another evening I felt pathetic. Seems like being in a relationship is not meant for me. Try dating again, but seems like not my luck. The next thing i knew, that guy cooked dinner for me for a reason. He was fully prepared to say the words.. So, he just wanna be friend. and there goes again my time, and emotion that I've invested.. to be honest, i was very sad cuz i've been warned about 'him'. But, me being me...and never listen.

Anyway, i need time to heal now. I might do something crazy to myself soon..

Wait and see..

The Evening When We Talked and Ego Take Over...

Mistakes are often done because of the words that we choose.
We didn't realize that those words can sometime hurt someone. But, it was the EGO that speaks. Neither your heart nor your mind.
Once the words uttered from your mouth, there's no reversed.
No turning back.
Damage is done.......................................

You have to accept the consequences what ego has spoken.

Yes, you meet your satisfaction by overpower him with words.
But, you did not realize that you are actually the one will hurt the most at the end of the day.

You wish you can take it back...You will wish everything can be reversed. But, there's no power in the world can undo.

Now, you pray that EGO will never speaks anymore.

I Miss You, Boy!

1145hrs
21 July 2018
Summer, Doha

The Moment When I'm Reasoning to Myself.

People said - Things happened for a reason.
And we, as human struggling to find reason why certain things happened in life. Either bad things or good thing.
That's when we tell lies to our self, hoping that what ever happened is good.
Even though its not good, we somehow has the ability to manipulate our own mind.
But, when we failed, especially when we encounter heart broken, that's when we know we are emotionally weak and we'll cry.
Crying day and night....
Until we realize, crying made us stronger, and we somehow knew that we don't need to fool our self anymore because tears are the remedy for a stronger mind.